Abinaya, the talented transgender artist, has gone too soon

Another transgender girl is gone. Gone too soon. Abinaya, a long-term friend of mine and a participant in many of our Sahodari Foundation workshops and programs, died in Chennai under mysterious circumstances. She was an excellent Bharatnatyam dancer, a talented painter, and a henna artist. She was a pre op trans woman who had suffered from epilepsy for so many years. We all have been so supportive, caring and considered her as a family. She has extensively travelled with us for many programs and performances.

A week ago, she was found dead in her room in Chennai. Blood was found, and there were razor blade cuts in her genitals. It looked like suicide. She was also into pill addiction and substance abuse, from which we could never pull her out. We wanted to help her, but she would always deny that she was taking any pills. It is not clear how she died, and we are unable to get details from her biological family. We do know that they were supportive of her, too. She was in a love affair with a guy, who they say might have broken her heart.

One thing is clear, though. She was depressed. It could be the broken love, the stress of the pandemic situation in Chennai, or maybe an unfulfilled wish that she constantly desired. Perhaps she could never be who she wanted to be. She trusted no one and was always keeping a distance, though she was close to all. No one imagined she would die. Another girl, another friend, and another community member are gone. I couldn’t even imagine that she would choose to end it all. It was sudden, and she never showed any signs. We couldn’t meet her for the past 4 months because of the lockdown.

The above is her artwork, which she painted in the first Transhearts art workshop. This was her very first canvas artwork too. She was an enthusiastic participant. She had such flair for art and design. She created this artwork about a transgender person who is pushed to sex work for her basic needs, and how in her life as a sex worker, she is exploited by many. The artwork was sold at an exhibition, and she was so happy to receive the money for her first artwork.

None of us in Chennai and other places could attend her funeral, it became a small ceremony done with a few family members and transgender community who lived closeby her. What is left to us now are only her memories. We mourn deeply for our friend and sister, whom we will never be able to see again. Her voice still lingers with me. She always said ‘akka’ or ‘Kalki akka’ and would give her 100 percent in learning.

In the picture taken in 2011, she is seen happily in a white dress with our team stopping in Kolkata at an NGO office on our way to Kathmandu, Nepal, for a performance.

While we work vigorously for an equal, unbiased, accepting world for transgender people, the suicides and deaths make all of us go into depression, despair, and take a long time to come to terms.

Unfortunately, we could not reach out to her in person during her most difficult and stressful times. The pandemic has locked us down, and we could not travel. The entire transgender community was in such difficulty and despair. Maybe things would have been different if there were no COVID-19. Perhaps she would have chosen life.

She did not die because of the virus itself. Still, she died because of the stressful and challenging situation that arose because of COVID-19, unable to hold herself up to life’s mounting pressures and disappointments.

Our prayers and condolences to her family. Abinaya will always be remembered. We pay our tears from our broken hearts as tribute to you. Rest in peace, amazing girl!

Yvo Manuel Vas Dias, founder and chairman of Transamsterdam

Kalki Subramaniam, trans activist and artist.